apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
