you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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