and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize