I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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