wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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