She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
