My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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