This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
