the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
