My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
