so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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