i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
did i walk over a car last night?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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