Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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