none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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