I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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