my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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