sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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