Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
