I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
