Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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