Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
