I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
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