i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
