he was CRYING into my vagina
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
