Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
