My nipple is on Facebook.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
