I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
