I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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