I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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