I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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