I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just cut my nipple shaving
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
