I accidentally burped into my bong.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
