fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
