I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
