I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize