Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
