apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
