Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
