My liver just broke up with me...
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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