My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
