this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
this just has baby written all over it
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
