I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
