Please, let me fuck your mom
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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