he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
