I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
