Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
