my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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