I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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