Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
