last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
