There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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