I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
