I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize