yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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