Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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