Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
