We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize