There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
