He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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