I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
