ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
