im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
