Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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