I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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