I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize