I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
